Redefining Happiness                                         By Nadja Lee                                     22/10/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.   

Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

Romance: Logan/Rogue, mild Scott/Ororo

Summary: Logan has his own definition of happiness…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: R

For Sorcieré with all my love. Now, outdark THIS one *EG*

Also thanks to Sorcieré for the Beta and suggestion of a new title. Hope this one works better *smiles*

Part 1:

It had to be this way, one day they’ll see it too. Jean yelled at me in fear, saying I’m a psychopathic killer who never deserved to have been born. Scooter just looked…shocked, disbelieving. He asked just one thing when he found us; why? If he needs to ask, then there is no point in explaining. No point in telling him that I did it because I loved her so much. Because she deserves the best. Because she don’t deserve to suffer any longer.

I realised I loved her when I had left her. So I came back. Back to give her the one present I can give her; escape and freedom. She didn’t understand. Now, she does. Where she is now, she understands everything and she’ll thank me; thank me for having saved her.

 I remember how she looked at me as I stabbed her that first night; full of fear yet trust still in her eyes. The look she gave me now was different yet the same, it was filled with love yet sadness. She said just one thing as I held her in my arms - why?

We always long for what we can’t have, that is true. For years I’ve lived with the knowledge that I couldn’t die and believe me; I did test that theory. For many death is something frightening but for me it is peace, freedom and escape from the torture of this life. Every night I relive a nightmare so vivid it must have been true, every morning I wake up and hope something has changed but it hasn’t. I still don’t know who or what I am. But I know this; the choice that is every human’s right, the choice of life and death is no longer mine.

When I met Marie I figured she’d be my way to escape. The others thought it romantic and brave that I risked my life for her but in reality I had hoped she would grant me the escape I was seeking. But she didn’t and I left.

I returned as I realised how much I love her and because of that I couldn’t just leave her like I had. I couldn’t leave her to the coldness and cruelty of life. A life where she would never be able to touch, never feel the sweetness of a kiss or feel the joy of seeing her children grow old. She would be condemned forever to live alone, isolated and feared by all. Not even I am cruel enough to leave her to that fate.

I remember so clearly how she came to me in my bedroom as she had before. She sat by my bedside and talked softly to me, comforted me and eased my tormented mind. I woke up and looked into her lovefilled eyes. It was a sight I’ll never forget; she looked like an Angel and I knew I had to help her. I took her gloved hands in mine, told her how much I loved her and drew her into a hug. She threw her arms around me and whispered she loved me too. I drew back and smiled at her. I felt tears on my cheeks - though I do not know why - as I asked her to close her eyes. Full of trust she did as I bid. I whispered I’ll always love her…and then I popped my claws and drew them into her chest. Her eyes flew open yet still they held only love and warmth mixed with confusion and pain. I took her in my arms and held her close while I stroked her hair. I whispered calming words to her, words I don’t even remember what was. She mumbled a weak ‘why?’ before her eyes froze in place, a teardrop frozen halfway down her cheek. Why? Why, beloved? For love of course. Only for love.

Suddenly Jeannie, Scooter and ‘Ro entered my room. Jeannie felt at once that Marie was gone and told the others so. Scooter seemed like frozen in place, shocked and disbelieving. Ororo whispered a prayer to her Goddess and fell into Scooter’s arms and cried by his shoulder. Jeannie exploded in anger and made all kinds of things fly at me. Scooter steeped between us and ordered us to calm down and told ‘Ro to take care of Rogue.

In that moment I knew my chance was now. Jeannie had found out during one of my many stays in sickbay - which was really just her good excuse to take my clothes off - that only Scooter’s eye beams could kill me. Finally, I had found a way. But I knew Scooter would never kill me…unless I threatened someone he loved.

I observed ‘Ro and Jeannie for a short time and I noticed Scooter’s eyes went more to ‘Ro’s side than Jeannie’s. I’m enough of a warrior to know that in a potential dangerous situation you always look towards the person for whom you fear most and in this case that was ‘Ro for Scooter.    

All the better anyway. I like ‘Ro a lot better than Jeannie and I’ll rather give her my gift than Jeannie. I moved towards ‘Ro but Scooter stepped before me and demanded I left the Mansion at once in his cold leader voice while Jeannie was still screaming herself hoarse yelling at me. No matter what else I think of him I gotta admire the man’s guts. Without answering I knocked him out and moved in on ‘Ro. She stared frightful up at me and I noticed her eyes turning white and lighting forming outside. I had to move now. I got a hold on her and whispered that I wouldn’t hurt her, that I was making everything all right…then I broke her neck. I lay her neatly next to Marie on the bed. Maybe ‘Ro will now watch over my Angel? I think she will.

Jeannie tried to use her powers at me but she was exhausting herself. Scooter woke up and told Jeannie to get help and she ran from the room as fast as she could. Scooter got to his feet and looked towards where ‘Ro had been standing…and found her laying next to Marie, looking like she was sleeping. A yell of pure agony escaped his lips as he ran to her and cradled her body in his arms. Tears ran down his cheeks as he mumbled words I had trouble hearing but I did get the general idea; why did I never tell you how much I loved you?

I approached him and wanted to make him understand; she was in a better place now; a place which had no fear, no loneliness…no torture. Only love and peace. She was happy now. I said his name and he looked up and me and held ‘Ro tighter against him. His entire face seemed to change from one of sorrow to one of cold, calculated hatred as he looked from her to me.  His eyes I of course couldn’t see because of the shades but if I had I know I’ll have seen such an intense hatred that I’ve never seen it before. I knew he wouldn’t understand at first but in time…in time he might.

Then he spoke, his words soft yet with an edge of steel; the words filled with agony and hatred as he asked me the same Marie had; why? Why? Again, there is only one answer; for love…. only for love. The love I bear for Marie.

He didn’t say anything as he took up a hand and removed his glasses. His eyes were closed yet somehow he still knew where I stood and I felt he knew…. I wouldn’t move. As I saw his eyelids begin to move I smiled and whispered a heartfilled thanks as my wish finally came true. I was joining Marie in a place far from here; far from pain.

Then I felt nothing more as all went black but one thought was left in me;

Where is the happiness I sought? 

I wondered because….it wasn’t in life and as I was at the edge I realised…it wasn’t in death either.

 

The End